PTSD for Parents
There’s a group of parents who suffer from PTSD. They are the parents who have children (of any age) who are suffering from substance use disorder (SUD) and/or mental illness. The old names for SUD are addiction and alcoholism. Those terms are considered negative now because of the stigma attached to them.
One definition of PTSD is “A mental health condition that develops following a traumatic event characterized by intrusive thoughts about the incident, recurrent distress/anxiety, flashbacks and avoidance of similar situations.”
I’ve been through quite a few things that qualify as traumatic. To name a few: rape, molestation, having a loaded gun pointed at my head, seeing my son on life support numerous times, finding my son immediately after he used a gun to end his life and watching my beloved dog being ripped apart by another dog.
All the above have left scars on my heart and trauma in my being, but not even losing my son to suicide compares to the daily trauma of watching him plunge into the depths of depression, anxiety, and psychosis from a combination of mental illness and substance use.
His depression started in grade school, his heroin and meth use in high school. He died at age 29. My life changed the moment he left his earthly body and I live in a state of perpetual heartbreak that includes physical pain (my heart literally hurts). There is no “positive” to losing a child, yet I have to admit, the trauma of daily life for the last 14 years left with him. I can breathe deeply again. I’m not living with a ticking bomb ready to explode in my chest. The worst possible thing that could happen — happened.
I no longer wake up and wonder “is he alive or dead?” I no longer go to bed wondering where he is, what he’s doing and if he will live till morning. I don’t have to hide my money, keys, jewelry. I no longer freak out at the sound of a siren or a late-night phone call. I literally wrote a book that shares much of what I went through.
Because of my precious son, I was introduced to a support group full of parents who were living the same life I was. The endless worry, the stress, the financial burden and the constant wondering “what can I do to help my child?” We all try everything we know of to get them to the other side of SUD, yet still wonder if there is more we can do. We pray for them and ask everyone we know to pray along. We stand in line for hours for a 30 minute jail visit. We take them to rehab multiple times (I stopped counting after 12). We kick them out. We let them back in. We offer therapy and medically assisted treatment (methadone, Suboxone or Vivitrol). Sometimes one of things works and we believe we have our real son or daughter back, that they are safe.
Some, like my son, Keven, never make it to the other side of SUD. But even for parents whose children have years of not using or drinking, the chance of relapse lingers on, perched on your shoulder whispering “today could be the day he/she picks up again”.
So please, if you know a parent or loved one who is doing their best to survive this trauma, be aware that they are suffering and your compassion helps. PTSD can develop through a shocking, scary, or dangerous event. For parents of children with SUD, there may be specific events contributing, but it’s the daily grind on your mental and emotional being that takes its toll.
Next time you run into a friend that suffers from this form of PTSD, please don’t say one of the many idiotic and hurtful things people say like, “sorry about your son, I’m glad I raised mine right.” (I’ve heard variations of that several times).
Instead, act accordingly — treat them like someone who deserves compassion, respect and understanding. It’s a club no one wants to belong to, but hundreds of thousands do. They suffer in silence because unless you’ve been in the club, which I hope you haven’t, there is no way to know how traumatizing it is. Many people feel ashamed because of the way society has treated their children. They feel it’s their fault, it very rarely is.
So let’s be stop judging, saying “my kid knows better” or avoiding these parents whose lives have been thrown into despair and devastation. They need all the love and support they can get. In addition to being traumatic it can be very lonely as well.
Thanks for reading this!
